There are a number of important characteristics we look for when searching Dating Websites, and security is among the top 10 for many people. The reason being, secure lovers are said to be less clingy, needy, and are often easier to get along with. This myth which has been passed around by various websites, has gone on long enough. Today, we are going to discuss the benefits of dating those on the opposite end of the optimist spectrum, also known as an insecure lover.
Author and spiritual activist, Marianne Williamson, says, “Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate—Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure—It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us.” If we analyze this quote further, we can interpret this as saying insecurity is a byproduct of deeper understanding. What if the idea of accepting our inadequacies was more meaningful then all the confidence and security we could construct from an inflated ego? What if self confidence and high expectations were only setting us up for failure, by creating an ideal relationship, which we all should know is fundamentally unattainable?
Success in Insecurity
Psychologists claim the inadequacy of loving each other may become the building blocks of successful relationships, by motivating us to understand each other better. Most of us have been taught to replace insecurity with confidence and fearlessness. We approach new relationships from dating websites with high expectations, assuming things should go a certain way, and if they don’t, we pack it up and go. This mentality sets us up for repeated failure, because it assumes there is a right and wrong way to love someone.
Security is confidence, and confidence is pride, and when we believe that we can create a successful relationship by leading it with iron reins, our self-assurance becomes our downfall. We approach misunderstanding with argument and imperfection with disconnection. If we would embrace our insecurity, admit our faults as an imperfect lover, we could then rely on our partner to tell us what they need. By admitting our insecurities, we release ourselves from the fear of failure, and we can finally get to know each other as equal partners. Some couples are so busy trying to convince each other they are doing it wrong, they don’t take the time to understand how to communicate effectively with each other.
Safety in Insecurity
Recent research suggests that insecurity in nature may actually be a survival tactic. These studies show that insecure partners are much more alert to danger than their assured counterparts. Secure attachments lead people to believe the world is a safe place, and it is this optimism that makes them slow to react when evasive action is necessary. This explains why nearly half the world continues to have insecure attachment styles. Secure individuals get along well in groups, and feel safe in large numbers. This can be to their detriment, as the world can be a vulnerable place to live, and following along with certain crowds does not always have our best interest at heart.
Insecure lovers have adapted the way they are as a survival technique. While many of us learn through our parents that we can rely on others to provide for us, a vulnerable partner does not trust what appears to be safe. While most people on dating websites prefer an emotionally secure partner, an insecure partner might make a good choice, considering their negative traits can be balanced out by your positive ones, and vice versa.
Insecurity is not necessarily the negative trait everybody thinks it is. It allows us to admit our faults so that we can let go of what we think we know about relationships, and concentrate on learning new things about the relationship we are trying to start. It allows us to benefit from each other’s greatest strengths, protecting an overly confident partner from danger (natural and emotional), and helping an insecure partner to find happiness through a steady relationship.
In a sense, the human race would not be where it is today if it wasn’t for these two very different attachment styles working together. So go ahead and embrace your own insecurities, and those of someone you may be dating. When it comes to dating and relationships, your happiness is not fated by the perfection of your partner, but by the motivation to understand each other’s needs and work together as a team.
Photo via CEParker Photography
